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Everything Is Happening This Way Because That Is How It Has Always Happened.

February 28, 2014

The smell of nail polish remover.

The smell of defeat, failure, giving in, remembering that if you don’t make yourself presentable you might as well starve to death. You’re doing this to yourself, you know.

The smell of the waiting room outside the small dance studios, concrete floors and tiled hallways. The push and pull of the white plastic seats and the difficulty of keeping your math books in your lap as you try to finish the homework in between jazz and hip hop, wondering if you’ll ever make senior competition, wondering if you’ll ever dance after high school.

That moment when in college, before knowing the privilege of a family who could afford dance classes, before realizing your parents never meant for your extra curricular to amount to anything, before the odd dispassionate responses from your dance professors, before you met the people you looked up to from the audience, when you decided you found that thing that made you feel like living.

You want to dance? Well fuck you. Art is a competition and you know damn well that you don’t have the strength. You wanted to look like him. You wanted to make sure you followed the path exactly as it was intended. You studied the material, you took the test, you got passing marks and now you want a reward. Well you don’t get one. That’s not how it works. You weren’t the object they were looking for. A discarded toy. A disposable fragile little thing. This was written before you ever decided to audition in college.

But there’s good news.

You don’t want to be that object in constant need of validation that it exists. A paint brush held by an indifferent authoritarian painter.

I can’t tell you what you should do. If you keep looking for directions you’ll find plenty of crowded well-worn paths.

Just keep going.

This is the fucking dance.

You are the fucking dancer.

One Comment leave one →
  1. February 28, 2014 4:51 pm

    I don’t know if I can reply to this and you’ll get it, but thanks for this.

    Ryan O’Byrne.


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